He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
why is half of my head shaved?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
