My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
