I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
