You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You're my little dorito
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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