Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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