i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
