I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
