hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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