when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
