so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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