he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
