The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
