Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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