matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
