She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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