No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
