And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
So gin and wine won't be happening again
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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