Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
