I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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