She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry about my life...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
