if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
