so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
