i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Randomize
