btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
