my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
