I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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