Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
