remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize