i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
