Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
