I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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