We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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