i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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