Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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