Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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