If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think im in europe. pls send help
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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