I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
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I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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