1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
