12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
