I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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