You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
