i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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