That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
