I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
