I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
