M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
