first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
