Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
