You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
