Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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