this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
