and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
