dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
