my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
