she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
