Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
