did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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