My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Randomize
