I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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