I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
be right there i have to get my cape
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
