My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
